Theory of People

go check it out. it's been redone.

the next iteration of comics begins tommorow.

i've completely redone the archives. there may be a few more changes made to it but that's pretty much how they're going to look.

once i'm done i'm going to take a break from Theory and concentrate on Down With Stumpy again. i'll keep my Billingsgatry stuff going too, though.

mIkerjkasd

kids facts is a new public service being put out by theory of people edutaining kids about history and anything else we can stick into suppet form.

i have nothing new for Theory,but i did put up the two missing Down With Stumpy comices in Down With Stumpy... click the side bar link and go see.

and hope that i get the ancient Stumpy comic relics up soon too.

I know some good biology. and with that good biology knowing I won first place on the billingsgatry.

this is this week's Billingsgatry submission. i had a lot of fun making this one. this image is better than the Billings one.

if you are easily offended, then don't read this... but if you enjoy the type of humour they have at SomethingAwful.com, then i encourage you to. this is a mock-1800's style Canadian parliament session. so imagine stuffy, almost-British diplomats with their big mustaches and petticoats banging their shoes on the table and stuff like that.

yeah.

Canadian politics... you gotta love it.

anyways, comics have been slow to be created but that will be remedied soon... but this bit of text IS hilarious, so enjoy:

Prime Minister says:

Now Mr. Speaker, the question of the human properties of the “Chinaman” should be re-directed to the more appropriate case of their organic properties, because I believe that the leader of the opposition and I can both agree that the “Chinaman” is, in fact, organic.

Opposition Leader says:

Mr. Speaker, I think the government leader is confusing issues here -- I never have argued that the China man is indeed not organic. What I am arguing is that the China man is not human!

Prime Minister says:

If my honourable counterpart would like to agree rather then refute, we could place the “Chinaman” in the sub species of simians, because doesn’t this new fangled “science" relate the savage apes to man?

Opposition Leader says:

Mr. Speaker, perhaps the government needs to take a good long, hard look at what "human" in fact is so we can define it for the future. I think we need to reopen the debate as to what "human" is. We need to preserve the sanctity of the word “human!”

Prime Minister says:

Quite like the oft-mentioned Chinaman, whom has had too much dynamite and too little fuse, the leader of the opposition has over-blown the argument to tarnish the character of this parliament!

Opposition Leader says:

Mr. Speaker -- perhaps the honourable member could explain why the Chinaman should be classified as human. Have we not proven they are of much lower intelligence and much less capable? Surely they're slightly more capable than the Negro, but I digress. We need to preserve the sanctity of the word human and I propose this parliament have a free vote and we can find where everyone stands on this. Or is the government leader too afraid to allow his party a free vote knowing many of his members feel the same way as I?

Prime Minister says:

-- And in doing so, wasted the House's and therefore the nation’s time on petty arguments rather than real issues in questions, such as 'meat pies: too much meat?' and 'the proper length of what to use to control your unruly partner.' THESE ARE THE REAL ISSUES THAT WE NEED TO ADDRESS!

Separatist Leader says:

I'd like to bring up a valid point brought forward to me by Professor Lachedale of the Cambridge University. There is irrefutable proof that Negroes are more capable than Chinamen for they are able to learn, use tools and are very durable; much like their brethren the gorilla.

However, the Chinamen are nothing more than giant insects. There are thousands of them, like ants, but they have no true capability to learn. Their 'illusion' of intelligence is due to the 'hive-mind' behaviour that appears when they are in large groups. The so-called Great Empire of China was built in the same way termites build their large towering nests in Afrika.

Opposition Leader says:

Thank you, Mr. Speaker -- however, we are not debating the issue of whether the Chinaman is more human than Negro or vice versa -- what I'm trying to do is making the honourable member from the Government recognize that these species are in fact NOT human!

(Very interesting information, nonetheless; fascinating what we can learn from ants about Chinamen)

Prime Minister says:

I would like to point out the discovery of opiates in the Far East, and artifacts such as the Great Wall and the Forbidden City show proof that there were signs of an older ‘master race’ that controlled and directed the Chinaman. I would also point out to the speaker, as most members in this house would agree, the exceptional medicinal, as well as social benefits of these ‘opiates.’ And in turn, bring up the point that only a people of European decent could accomplish these great feats.

Opposition Leader says:

Mr. Speaker -- once again changes the topic when I bring up the idea of a free vote! Clearly we have a government which is too afraid of its own members.

Minority Party Leader says:

An interesting point to bring up in the question of the sanctity of the word "human" is the genetic relation between humans and the Chinaman. It must here be noted that the Chinamen's slanted eyes are due to what biologists call a "Mangolian Fold" over the eyes. This is also very common in many feline species.

Separatist Leader says:

It has largely been believed, in the scientific community anyways, that the Vikings and later on, the Saxons, were the masters of the Chinese race.

And as far as the mention of feline species is concerned, cats are essentially furry insects. Insects can climb trees as can cats. The majority of insects avoid water and the same with majority of cats. Cats, like insects, do not respond to humans when orders are given.

Bringing up the Mangolian Fold only further proves the Chinaman's insect roots.

Prime Minister says:

Perhaps these Chinamen were genetic constructs of the old ‘master race,’ used to produce opiates, wine and endless supplies of fried and breaded food.

Opposition Leader says:

Indeed! Mr. Speaker from the Ukrainian Liberation Party -- what say you of the matter?

Minority Party Leader says:

The current government leader seeks to make the point that because of buildings and "cultural advances" the Chinaman is declared a 'human.' What he fails to realize is that the South American Incans also made vast buildings and cities (colonies), and yet it was 2 score ago that we disproved their being human!

Prime Minister says:

A brilliant observation!

Opposition Leader says:

GENTLEMAN -- this issue can not be tolerated any longer! If the government refuses to have a free vote, I bring to the table a motion of non-confidence against the Pie Face government!!

Separatist Leader says:

I, Mr. Speaker of the Separatist Party, second this motion. We wish for a free vote on this matter AND of the matter of my province’s separation from the country.

Opposition Leader says:

Would the honourable member from Quebec PLEASE stop trying to insert separation legislation into EVERY SINGLE BILL!

I'd like to point out what happened last time when he tried to sneak in a "Quebec gets the treasury" clause into the slave trade bill on the third reading!

Prime Minister says:

MR. Speaker, if this parliament dissolves and the confederate provinces are thrown into anarchy, THE CHINAMAN SURELY WINS

Is that what the Opposition wants?

Minority Party Leader says:

Rabble rabble rabble!

Opposition Leader says:

Mr. Speaker, if what the government leader states is true, he has been the one to write this doom! Under my party, when we are elected, we will bring the parliament a real free vote on the matter!

Prime Minister says:

I must resign with my cabinet to talk more on this subject over some opium and meat pies. I ask the speaker give at least a 5 day recess

Opposition Leader says:

The official opposition concurs. Luckily we will not have to put up with Mr. Prime Minister’s garbage much longer!

Minority Party Leader guitar says:

The Ukrainian Liberation Party would like to see this issue discussed within the House of Commons, in front of all.

Separatist Leader says:

The Separatist Party would like the Ukrainian Liberation Party to GO BACK TO THE UKRAINE where they might actually be of USE to their cause!

Minority Party Leader says:

There is no need to reduce to taunting. We all full well know that the ULP has considerably changed their platform from the original in 1869, yet we have kept the same title for traditions sake. JUST LIKE WE SUPPORT THE TRADITIONAL DEFINITION OF HUMAN!!

*takes off shoe, starts beating table*

Separatist Leader says:

I would like to point out to Monsieur Speaker that I was not taunting but merely pointing out the uselessness of his party's main platform considering that it's located in Canada and not the Ukraine.

Prime Minister says:

I’d like this session momentarily suspended. Gentlemen, I suggest you all go to your personal opium/whore dens and think about this matter before any rash action.

Separatist Leader says:

Momentarilly suspended!? Dodging the issues are we, Monsieur Prime Minister? THIS is why we need the Opposition as our head! He wouldn’t put off the important matter of the definition of a human!

Minority Party Leader says:

Are you insinuating that lecher lead the country?!

Separatist Leader says:

I insinuate nothing

Prime Minister says:

Only by giving due time and a chance for deep thought over a pipe full of opium and a good rut with a young whore can we decide anything. Are the "other" parties questioning the importance of opium and or whores?

Separatist Leader says:

I am on opiates and have a young whore giving me oral sex as we speak. I have no need for a break but, if the PM wishes to call it, I will relent.

Minority Party Leader says:

Mr. Prime Minister, with all due respect, the whores of the ruling party are not nearly as hardy or well-built as the members of the ULP prefer.

Separatist Leader says:

'Well-built' indeed; Like Lumberjacks… or Lumberjills, I should say. We are being politically correct now, right?

Minority Party Leader says:

I object to that comment.

Separatist Leader says:

You WOULD object.

Minority Party Leader says:

It is common knowledge that Ukrainians both in their settlements and Canada and back in the old country are not petty loggers.

Prime Minister says:

We prefer a more refined, delicate whore. The Slavic race is little more then half civilized, Eurasian sub-men and their whores have callouses where there should be soft flesh!

Minority Party Leader says:

THAT'S BECAUSE WE'D RIP YOUR LILLY-LIVERED WOMEN IN TWO!

Prime Minister says:

Much like a wild ape would. . .

Opposition Leader says:

I apologize, gentleman; I thought we had already retired to our opium dens!

Minority Party Leader says:

It is at this time that I would like to bring the House's attention to the fact that our prime minister, one Mr. Prime Minister, is in fact Estonian - an eastern European Slav himself!

Opposition Leader says:

…ESTONIAN? SCANDALOUS!!!

Separatist Leader says:

Let us not become mired in our historical backgrounds, gentlemen.

It is obvious by Monsieur Prime Minister's prestige that he has cleansed himself of any past shame and should therefore not have it held against him

Prime Minister says:

Ack! I’d like to see the ULP's facts on the matter.

Minority Party Leader says:

I have here with me…

Prime Minister says:

THIS SESSION IS OVER! THE CABINET NO LONGER RECOGNIZES THE OTHER PARTIES! WE SHALL RECONVENE IN A FORTNIGHT!

*scurries off*

Separatist Leader says:

WAIT! I HAVE MORE LEGISLATION THAT SHOULD BE REVIEWED FOR THE SEPARATION OF BC, ALBERTA AND QUEBEC!

wooo too many ideas to burn off too little space. i'll make another edition explaining better the jokes in this comic.

Cashing in on the feeling of the season Theory of People is now offering for a limited time only very special St.Valentine's Day Cards. These cards will perfectly capture your inner most feelings for that special someone at a minimum of price. Are you an idiot?, have you only got hours until St. Valentines's day and you still havent gotten any thing for your special someone?, don't rush out to the local mini-mart just print out a theory of people card and your woes will be solved. don't believe me?, well just listen or read these stunning "real" comments.


"Well, let's just say that they gave me a better chance than I normally would have" - Nathan Schmidt

"Not only did I print up and distribute Theory of People Valentine Cards I got maced three times, but not mace the spray mace the metal club" - Adam Moran

"When I found one of these cards in my mail box, I was filled with such sheer rage I went on to counquer both The Angor Forest and New Fanaera, now I am worship as king." - Davorded The Foul

still aren't quite convinced?, well we've got more testimonial for you.

"At my Grandma's funeral I placed one of the cards on her casket and she came back to life, she was quickly shot as the funeral security staff claimed she was a zombie, and some of the blood splatered into my gaping mouth, but they still brought her back to life." - Hank Greau

"sub-grade toliet paper" - Anonymous

"The - Theory - of - People - Valentikes - wait, no, david, it was because I couldn't read your writing, please not the vice grips again, please no, david nooooooooo." - c.o.b.e

"Instead of getting down to some classic "rice krispies" on valentine's day, I tried to show real feelings with one of these so cleverly put together and well read cards, I did not woo any lady friends and I ended up "rice krisping" but thats probably because I am such a freak and little mutant boy" - Stumpy (Thomas Walker)

"Thanks Theory of People, your Valentine Cards have actually increased my sexual virility up to a point that is marginally acceptable" - Nathan Schmidt

I am sure you are more than convinced to use Theory of People valentine cards this year, not only because of the quality of work put into it but because of these outstanding testimonials, I just can't get enough of that witty, witty Nathan schmidt. These are absolutely the best valentine cards you can find on any web based web comic bar none.

the only thing that haunts me was that i was unable to get to david with a medpack in time.

there are other things i should be doing... but they're not done yet. so here's this:

holy shit. there has never been that much people come to our website to look at it. i mean, normally a few extra hits wouldnt make much of a difference... but jeeeeezus! look at that! now i feel even more insignificant.









anyways, there seems to be a lot of controversy over the scanned images and i can understand why... my jittery hands got the best of me. i saw the image, thought "oh wow, i have to show EVERYONE!" and cut it out before realizing that if i just put the image out of context i'd be quickly accused of photoshopping it. which is why i thankfully had enough foresight not to cut up the back page. it seems the Province realized their mistake and switched images eventually, so not everyone who got the paper will have Dangler's hilarious edit... but thankfully (for me and my credibility) it seems there were other people who saw it and scanned it.

i brought out my camera, though, and took some pictures to hopefully lay to rest some of the conspiracy theories going around. oh, and just so y'all know, i didn't use scissors or an exacto knife. i was so excited to cut out the image that i cut the page in half and then used a small steak knife to cut it out. yeah... i know, it was pretty stupid.

but here's some pictures, more proof that the Province fucked up (so yeah, it did happen! and congrats to Modified_Dangler for getting his image published in a provincial paper):

<---[here's the back page and the page i tore up and then sliced the image out of taken next to an adult housecat... you know, for posterity and such... so you can see how big the paper was in real life; along with it, an image of a bunch of paper, yadda yadda, and the knife i cut out the page with]










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[here is the back page of the paper in full, taken on my computer desk. the thing at the bottom of my photo is the zipper to my sweater and the thing off to teh right is some weird stringy fuzz that stuck to me earlier on... next to it is a closer shot]















































[here's the page i cut out and the smaller bit i further cut out... and there's the knife i used to do it, and of course, a closer shot; as well as the lamp shot which shows the text behind the image]









































[and here is page a57, the page on the other side of page a55.. you can see the marks where i cut through the other page with a knife]

The end is near.

Both miker and I placed this week on the billingsgatry theme exotic garden gnomes. miker who went the classy way (nudity) got the honoured winners positon.











where as i went the somewhat shady route (genocide) and was awarderd the wtf position,

All in all it was a good week for the theory on billingsgatry. next weeks theme is it's magic and that contest is supposed to end this friday.

okay, so anyone who's interested in the Turin 2006 Olympics has probably seen that the mascots, Neve and Gliz, a snowball and a block of ice, are pretty shitty mascots...

well, they've been spoofing them online too: The Fark.com Forums

this one in particular, posted by user Modified_Dangler, should be looked at. not only because it's hilarious...

but because it was published in the Vancouver Province newspaper (the Tuesday, February 7th, 2006 issue).

<--- [here are the little bastards cut out from the page... i probably shouldve scanned it before i did that, but i got overzealous]








here it is in colour (and not cut out) on the back page. way to go The Province. man... i love it when official sources make asses of themselves.

further pictures here

just to make things clear for the readers... the Theory of People building is a building and not a castle.

some of you may be confused by this because when we first showed it... it was as a castle. in reality, the Theory building is a square office type building painted a pleasing yellow brick colour. it's about three stories high and has a sign that says Theory of People and ToP on the front of it.

inside it is hardwood floor with a pleasant sand yellow colour paint job.

reception and the cafeteria is on ground level, employee offices are on the second floor and archives are stored on the third. of course, there are several other rooms throughout the building that have uses. the employee dormitories, of course. we dont allow our employees to live outside the building.

the fabled purple couch and the other chairs you see in various comics are actually all just in different parts of the Theory.

there's a spaceship that doubles as a hovercraft on the roof, but no one's found it yet. i hope it stays that way.

The real reason david hasnt been posting lately. also meghan now has her own blog/comic the link is deep in the theory of people honey combs, crispy golden bran cereal, a breakfast golden treat.

with no David, it looks like the Theory crew will have to play their pranks on the Punbot... poor feller...

here is a guest comic from Flying Priest... uh... i dont think e's got a website up just yet, but you can see Priests work at Billingsgatry! go there! Billingsgatry! priest won last weeks contest.